Here we have the best Steven Wright Quotes. Find the perfect quotation from our collection.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
I’m addicted to placebos.
It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.
I think God‘s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.
I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.
I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
So, do you live around here often?
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.