Top 19 Billy Connolly Quotes

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don’t sit in the dark hiding. It’s easy to hide and shout and waste people‘s time.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I don’t aim to offend.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.