Top 25 Jen Kirkman Quotes

By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.

I’d love to be a hit in Germany. I’m working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff’s opening act.

There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot – except for the fact that I don’t want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.

I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won‘t accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.

Asking questions about why I don’t want kids is really none of your business, but at least it’s a dialogue.

As a woman of a certain age – and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate – I’ve been told over and over again that I will ‘change my mind’ about not wanting kids.

I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn’t indicate that you‘re a ‘success,’ in my opinion.

I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.

Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let’s face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.

The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.

Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.

Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you’re doing. It’s all about them!

What they call ‘alt-comedy’ now is basically what comedy was like in the ’80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.

Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they’re smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.

Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.

I’m wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.

Instead of saving for someone else‘s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.

Eventually I’m going to be too old to be on camera, and I’ve been doing stand-up a long time.

I think some parents think, ‘Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.’

Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need – the basic instinct to put someone else first.

I’m very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I’m not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.

Don’t make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don’t bring it on stage; it’s not funny.

People think anything done from a woman’s perspective is only going to appeal to women.

We have to get women’s stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, ‘I’m not laughing at a chick story but a story.’

A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.