Top 30 Jay Leno Quotes

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

You aren’t famous until my mother has heard of you.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she‘s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that’s why they never hit any home runs. It’s a safety issue.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad‘s Third Wife Day.

You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.

People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.

I went into a McDonald‘s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for ‘Running off to Canada.’

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow ‘Operation Re-elect Bush‘ doesn’t seem to be popular.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night‘s Democratic debate.

If I have one advantage, it’s that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good ‘ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery‘?

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh… it’s as simple as that.