Top 30 Tom Segura Quotes

I’ve always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.

I wasn’t the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.

I’m not the nicest guy on stage.

Every person learns with time and experience.

I’ve never been a big party guy or super social.

I’m really happy when I’m actively creating things. When I’m frustrated and not excited, it’s because I haven‘t written anything in a month or so.

When you’re a comic doing a special, it’s like you’re directing your first movie.

I think I’m a decent person.

I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock‘s ‘Bring the Pain‘ came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park.

I’m a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

I’ll never be a TV writer.

I don’t switch my act up to win over the crowd. I’m more like, ‘You came here… this is what I do.’ I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. ‘I’ll have a burger, fries and a Coke.’ ‘Will you be eating in the car?’ ‘Yeah. I think so.’

When you shoot a special, you have no idea what’s going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the first one with Comedy Dynamics was a roll of the dice. It was a game changer for me professionally.

You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you’ve driven, and then you’re like, ‘Oh, I was doing something for 20 years that I didn’t realize I hadn’t experienced the real version of.’

It’s fun when you’ve opened for someone at a venue, and then years go by, and now you’re headlining.

The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.

You should make travel as comfortable as possible.

When you tour as much as I do, you’re always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you’re like, ‘Every time I’m in that city, the shows are fun.’

People will say, ‘What’s your favorite part of Cincinnati?’ I’m like, ‘I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn’t go anywhere. I was a kid.’

I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and I go, ‘Oooohhh.’ It’s better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you’re like, ‘Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.’

I’m definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.

Sleep is important for a comic – like it is for a lot of people.

It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them.

I don’t like big events and crowded areas. I’m almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I’ve been like that forever.

Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.

A lot of times, you land in a city, and you’re like, ‘This is not my people.’ I’m gonna do the show, but you don’t feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you’re like, ‘This feels right.’

Vancouver just feels comfortable to me.

Here’s some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don’t take it on national TV.