Top 35 George Carlin Quotes

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer‘s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Always do whatever‘s next.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

The status quo sucks.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Think off-center.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot‘s hands.

Religion is just mind control.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven‘t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.