Top 40 Dave Barry Quotes

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

‘Escargot’ is French for ‘fat crawling bag of phlegm’.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.