Top 50 Phyllis Diller Quotes

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Aim high, and you won‘t shoot your foot off.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.