Top 60 John Bishop Quotes

When I was 30 we had two kids, a third on he way. I was working for a pharmaceutical company. I had been married four years.

I didn’t want to do comedic acting because I don’t think I am very good at it.

Everyone at Liverpool is committed to the club and working as hard as possible.

It’s very gratifying sometimes to make yourself the butt of the joke because it bursts your bubble.

I want to do straight, dramatic acting so I do a hit show when you get chased by aliens!

If you have three children under the age of four, as I did, you have to make choices, because you cannot hold hands with all of them.

I’m not saying everyone who has a problem in their relationship should be a comedian, but I think if you’re to work things out you’ve to get out of the bunker.

I was going through a divorce so I wasn’t having the best time, but I wasn’t going to the doctor for Prozac.

I am in my late 40s now, so I wake up fatter than when I went to bed.

I don’t sit at home and craft a joke.

As a father I can’t imagine the pain of digging my own child’s grave.

I would never claim to be an actor as I have never had any training and apart from being in a panto, before ‘Skins‘ I had not acted.

Everything else outside the world – Brexit, the global economy, global warming, everything – nothing matters as much as what’s in your house.

My generation are the neurotic ones. Therapists’ offices all over the world are full of patients blaming their parents for their own failings.

I was looking for someone to represent me and an agent sat me down and said, ‘I don’t think there’s anything to work with here.’

I have fond memories of the Grand National, but in recent years, as I have become more committed to animal welfare, I have grown increasingly uncomfortable about an event that every year results in the deaths of horses.

The biggest thing that’s ever happened in anyone‘s life is your family, isn’t it? They’re the most important thing in your life.

When I was young, I only ever wanted a job where, when I went home, I didn’t have to get a wash.

I don’t regard myself as big time.

Being on stage, telling jokes and telling stories is where I feel the most at home.

I think there’s a thin line between pathos and comedy, and I’m not afraid of putting my heart on my sleeve.

I’m the type of bloke who gets a flatpack cabinet from Ikea, puts it together without reading the instructions, then gets the drill out because the holes are in the wrong place.

I grew up on a council estate. No one was working in our house.

As a comedian, you have to say something that people relate to, or nobody laughs.

Comic Relief funds projects that help lift people out of poverty.

To me comedy is like being a magician, once they know the rabbit is coming out of the hat they won‘t care.

You can’t pretend you’re not part of the world that you come from.

Being a family man has been the most rewarding and the most disappointing thing I have done in my life.

We live on a two week cycle in our house so if I go away for two weeks, it’s too long. And if I’m home for two weeks, it’s too long.

When I was 10 I had a bone disease called osteomyelitis; they said if they didn’t operate, I had 24 hours to live.

Some families out there have unimaginably tough lives.

I’ve learned more about having more time as I’ve got older.

There’s no slowing down but I’ve got to be honest, I’m probably not going to learn French.

When have you ever sat down with your mates and said, ‘Look, tell me about your dad?’

There was a deficit between what I was earning and what my family needed to live off. I was resigned to the fact that, while I may do the odd night, I was going to have to get a proper job.

I’m not from the generation that took chances.

‘Panto!’ is basically my life. It’s not a comedy drama; it’s a documentary. I was going to write an autobiography, but I thought I’d write this instead.

I have worked hard to be all the things that I thought a family man should be, but I probably could have done better by not trying to run a family like I was picking a five-a-side football team.

Imagine growing up never feeling loved by your family – the most basic of human needs.

An accent like mine defines you regionally, but it also gives you a class identity.

Often you’d find yourself exhausted backstage during a matinee with glitter on your face, asking a colleague, ‘Who’s your gas supplier?’ At the time, I thought, ‘This would make a brilliant TV comedy drama.’

‘Skins’ was a fun role and I enjoyed it.

I won’t do routines at gigs that I’ve done on television.

In 2006, I left my job in sales and marketing to go full-time as a comedian, and I started off doing panto at the Lowry in Manchester.

I mean Ireland, in all honesty I owe Ireland a lot because I think, and I’m not just saying this flippantly, Ireland is probably the reason that I do the job I do because when I started doing stand-up I came to Ireland and I just sort of gelled with the idea of doing it the way I do – telling stories.

I was right in the middle of a story and leading to a punch line and then I just heard ‘John John’ and I just looked around. I could see someone in the shadows walking forward and he said ‘John I can’t find me seat lad, d’ya know where me seat is?’ I looked at him and it was my uncle Dave.

As a child I qualified for free school meals, so I know I would have been in one of the families that needed help to gain access to a laptop.

Brexit – I was sick of it when it was all happening. It’s off the news now, but when Covid settles down it will just come back again.

I can be a little bit of a control freak.

Something can only go wrong if you know what you’re doing.

I left the school sixth form after the first day because they wouldn’t let me wear jeans and I couldn’t go home and ask for money for trousers.

I 100 percent do not see myself as the new Piers Morgan!

My kids get annoyed if you ask them what their GCSE results are.

When I write something down it doesn’t look funny to me. It’s about the environment, it’s all in the moment.

I am not entirely against horse racing. I even had a share in a horse syndicate with a few mates.

I normally put on Lycra or Speedos to plead with the British public to put their hands in their pocket for Red Nose Day.

I haven‘t met a comedian who is judgemental of other comedians.

As soon as I speak, I think people go, ‘Well, he obviously must have grown up on a council estate, gone to a comprehensive school and be working class – so I can relate to him.’

I feel like a bit of a jinx.

Everybody has layers.